Bad Investments
- Wynter Moseley
- Oct 2, 2024
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 30
"I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least." -Dorothy Day
Imagine it's Thanksgiving and all your closest friends and family are there. Not one single person is missing. The food is the best it is all year and there's wine and singing and playing games and sharing of grateful stories of the previous year. Now imagine you also can see the future. You know how many holidays you have left to celebrate with each of these beloved people. How does that change the celebration? How differently would you interact with each individual person? Now imagine that you know this is your last Thanksgiving with them. In fact, it's your last dinner with them at all. Think of the emotional heaviness you might feel. The weightiness of loving all these people and grieving that you can't be there for them in the future. Simultaneously trying to soak up and cherish as many sweet moments as you possibly can. There is not enough time in the evening to tell everyone all the things you want to tell them. Even if there was time, they wouldn't understand it. After all, they can't see into the future like you can. Let's add to the scenario that you know why you won't be at any more gatherings…and it's the fault of one of your closest friends. What do you do with this information?
To give you a further glimpse into my life, every week, on Thursday mornings, we have intern meeting. In that meeting we talk about logistics, practical things concerning indoor and outdoor work-program, stuff going on in the school, scheduling and events, student progress, on-going challenges, praises and growth, and intern team focus. The largest portion of our meeting goes to the students. Where they are, what they need, what behaviors are needing to be addressed, etc. Students whose names get mentioned here the most are who my boss, Jensen, calls high-scorers. Being a "high-scorer" is not necessarily a negative thing. It mostly means they're the ones who are bumping up against structure the most and that allows the space for breakthrough and opportunity for healing and reflection. Although it's not as nice and neat as that explanation. It's actually quite messy and really draining. Notice I used the words "space" and "opportunity." Often times the student does not take advantage of that and dig their heels in harder and actively choose the opposite of what is good for them. That's probably one of the most discouraging things that an intern has to watch: a student, who they love and care for so deeply, who they want to see transformed and healed by the blood and adoption of Christ, choose destruction and selfishness and hurt. We can often see where the path they are on is headed and we are scared for them. We want to save them from themselves. But ultimately, it is not our job to save them from themselves, it's to disciple them in the way of Jesus and pray for them. It's allowing them to make the decisions for themselves and experience consequences, both positive and negative from their choices. Even if you know their choices are going to lead to a dismissal.
This is the heart posture that we should and mostly do have as interns. The temptation that I have fallen into with one student is to put my own protection and wellbeing in front of theirs. Which is a logical argument to most people. It's okay to watch out for your own mental health and guarding your heart and mind and emotions. But is that what I'm doing? Or has my pride and self-preservation put the "take care of yourself first so you can take care of others" mask on? If I do the math, the odds are not in my favor to be taken care of. I put the effort into discipling and loving this kid and I am given resentment, resistance, hatred, ridicule, and anger in return. As I actively attempt to build up and repair, I am being torn down. That's a bad emotional investment. Society would say that it's okay to take a step back from that relationship. Even many Christians and churches would say that. But what would Jesus say?
Once a week, the interns have INO, intern night out. We have dinner together and intentional time as a team. Before we eat, we take communion together as a symbol of our unity in Christ as we lead and disciple these students. I often imagine Jesus and the disciples at the last supper and what that must have felt like. The closeness and intimacy they felt after three years of doing counter-cultural life together. Three years of kingdom work. I think I forget sometimes the humanity of Jesus. He knew how that night would end. Yet he invested fully in that dinner. Speaking truth into their hearts, knowing they wouldn't fully understand. And when Judas asked, "Is it I, Jesus?" I don't think Jesus had arrogance in his tone, or an attitude of "you think I don't know but I know, buddy." His eyebrow wasn't raised as he spoke the words. He wasn't excited to see vengeance taken. I believe he looked in Judas' eyes and tears began to well up as he whispered so that only Judas could hear, "It is you who have said this." I believe that Jesus was genuinely hurt by one of his closest friends. I think that, second to the physical torment of the cross, being friends with Judas might have been the hardest, most painful things that Jesus did during his time on earth. He invested in him as a student, Judas confided in him and most likely, Jesus confided in him as well. Jesus shared parts of him that were saved for his 12 disciples. Judas was part of that. Jesus saw this young man's future and knew what his choices would give him: death. Jesus loved him fully, invested in him fully, put him before himself. Judas rejected him, even after all that he gave him, he repaid him with betrayal and murder. When Jesus said, "It would have been better for him if he had never been born." I don't think he was mad at Judas for his choices, I think Jesus knew the consequences of his actions would lead him to an eternity of despair and darkness and hopelessness and torment. Jesus knew the full reality of the horrific consequences that Judas would face, and Jesus grieved for him.
Here is my confession: I have chosen to love myself more than I love this student. I have chosen to love myself more than I love my intern team. And I have reaped the relational consequences of putting myself first. Jesus had dinner with his murderer, knowing he was his murderer, and was fully present and fully invested. He loved him to the end. But I don't want to have a meal with a 17 year old who's kind of mean to me. Lord, forgive me… Help me love well, like you love.
To go back to the question: what would Jesus say? He would say to invest and love, even though I am met with hostility and cruelty. Love, even though their future may be that they don't receive the healing I desperately want for them. Love, even though they don't know what they are doing. Love, even though they don't love you back. Because, Christian, your life is no longer your own. Because Jesus has set the example before us. We are called to hard things and Jesus knows hard things. He is a man of sorrows. But there is hope. The hope is that while Judas betrayed Jesus, it was for the blessing of all people so that we may experience true life that is eternal. That the grief of this world is temporary.
I think it's funny that internship is capped at two years, one year shorter than Jesus' "internship" with his students. If Jesus, having the fullness of God on his side, only did three years, how much less can we do? (I'm only a little bit joking.) The Lord has called me to a 40 day prayer for this student and I'm on day 36. Half way through I saw a change, but it wasn't for the better. I saw them choose sin and destruction over and over again. I was so discouraged. Why had the Holy Spirit given me such clear conviction and instruction to pray if nothing was going to change? The Lord was gentle and gracious with me, it wasn't just for the student's benefit that I was praying, it was for my heart posture. It was to reveal the selfishness and pride that was in my heart. How far away I had turned my heart from God's compassion. As I repent to my peers and ask for support from them, the Lord shows me more and more grace and encouragement of seeing a positive change in this student. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit continues to convict me and teach me and shape me to look more like him and that the students would not be impacted by me but by the Spirit who is in me.
Hebrews 4:14-16
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Answered prayers:
Interns!! We have three new interns joining the team!
Things to continue to pray for:
the armor of God and strength for the interns
male interns
new students
clarity for if I should stay for a second year
a car
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