Submitting to Fear or Submitting to Faith

Kendall and I taking the intern change to the bank

"The Christian journey is the decrease of fear and the increase of faith." -John Mark Comer (who quoted someone else, but I couldn't remember who)

I have been pondering this idea recently. Do my actions and behavior reflect that I wholly trust the Lord? In short, no. I feed my anxiety with fear and distrust. I allow myself to get stressed because I hold on tightly to the illusion of control. As if me being in control would even make things better. Could it be that my stress is because I am putting the responsibility of my own future on myself? Jensen and Elise often tell me to not carry the weight of responsibility that is for those in higher authority than I am. God gives us the appropriate amount of responsibility completely and perfectly taking into account our personalities, our trauma, our gifts, our weaknesses, emotional capacity, physical capacity and any other factors. It would be as much a misuse of stewardship to take more responsibility than God has given us as it would be to take less.

Holding baby chicks at Elise's house

The Ranch is going through 1 Peter in church right now and this past Sunday we talked about submission to authority. If you know me well, you can probably anticipate how I was feeling. I haven't had the best authority figures in my life, most certainly not in the workplace, which has caused a lot of distrust and general aversiveness to authority. By nature, I'm a questioner, which doesn't help to the submission of authority. Now I could use these as excuses and reasons, and they are legitimate. But the root issue here is fear. I am afraid that my control, my dignity, my worth is going to be taken away if I fully submit to someone else. I do not have faith in humanity. If I do not have faith in humanity, I do not have faith in those in authority over me, and if I do not have faith in those in authority over me, I do not have faith in God. God has placed not only authority in my life but also peers. I cannot simultaneously submit to Jesus while actively refusing to submit to these people, who God ordained for me to be in community with.

I had to ask forgiveness from a fellow intern the other day because I made a sassy remark in reaction to him saying that it would be "not good for a man to be a stay at home dad while the mother worked." Regardless of if he is objectively right or wrong, my response was to make it known to him that I was hurt by giving him attitude and for me, that is sin (James 4:17). I explained to him that his comment hurt my feelings and that my response was not appropriate. I asked him if he wouldn't mind explaining where his opinion came from so that I may be able to better understand him and remove him from the category of sexist in my mind. Coming from a doctrine heavily influenced by the world and by feminism and down with the patriarchy, relearning and rewiring my thinking has been extremely challenging. The conversation went well and the Lord revealed a desire of my heart: I want to be able to trust God more than I distrust men. What freedom can be found if I could accomplish this? I'm not sure, but I want to strive for it. Is this what sanctification is?

Intern night out to watch the sunset. (left to right) Rachel, Wynter, Kendall, Bethany, Angel, David

A student the other day got a consequence from me because she ignored an instruction three times and then after finally following, immediately did the opposite of what I asked  (while making eye contact with me). While having a conversation with her about the situation, I asked her why it was difficult for her to take the instruction. She said "I think the rule is stupid and didn't have to apply to me so I didn't do it." In that moment, I got flash backs of every time I had that exact thought about when an instruction was given to me in my life. Whether it was from my parents or a teacher or a boss. As I sit there explaining to this 19 year old how submitting to the structure is actually practice and discipline of submitting to the Lord, I'm ridden with conviction. How many times have I cut corners or disobeyed or broken the law because I thought the rules shouldn't apply to me? Thank God the ranch doesn't require perfect people to intern students.

Cupcakes for weekend snack

Something I have been discovering is that submission to the Lord and faith in him are closely tied. I cannot fully submit without having faith in him and I cannot have full faith in him if I do not fully submit. I have also come to the realization that I am fearful. The command for me (and you) is do not fear. I know that I cannot will myself hard enough to stop being afraid. But I can chose to live in obedience and courage to do the next right thing, regardless of how I feel. I can let go of the responsibility that is my future because that is not something that I have to concern myself with. That weight is too heavy for me to carry and was never meant for me to carry. God is the only one meant to carry the pressure of our future. He is the author of our story and has already written it, what more do we have to fear? So as I learn to live in submission to the Lord, I pray that my faith increases and that my fear decreases. And I pray for that in you as well.

As always, thank you for your prayers and financial support. So many extra blessings came to me this month that I wasn't expecting! I can't express how grateful I am to be here and how God is making it possible through you and his people. We have three female interns joining our team in the month of May. Praise God! Please pray for them as they get ready to join us and as the Lord prepares their hearts. Also pray for the three students who are graduating and being prayed out on June 2nd. This is an exciting but scary time for them as they transition to the next thing and back to home life, which is not always the best.

1 Peter 2:13-17

Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

This is headless Ralph. He died in the rafters outside our dorm and is forever memoralized

Answered prayers:

• financial support

• new interns

• access to transportation
  

Things to continue to pray for:

• the armor of God and perseverance of the saint

• a car

• Interns David Choban, Bethany Trull and Rachel McCracken as they get prayed out and move on to the next thing God has for them
  

• Interns Madi, Mariam, and Jackie who start this month

• Three students who are graduating the program

• MALE INTERNS (we desparately need God to send male interns)