For Their Sake

"Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." - Screwtape (From Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis)

7/11 day - Free Slurpees!!

Internship is hard. It could possibly be the most hard thing that I have ever done. The practicality of it is pretty simple, indoor work-pro consists of dishes, cooking, and scrubbing toilets, outdoor work-pro is weed-whacking, dump runs, and car checks. These things are the easiest part of internship. The hard part is having the same conversation with the same student for the 28th time that week and they tell you they don't care to change and they don't want you to love them. Some days I pray and ask the Lord for all weed-whacking and no conversations.

If you have ever worked in ministry, you can probably relate to the weariness your soul feels at times. The disconnect from your mind and soul. I noticed feeling very disconnected from my fellow interns, the staff and even the students and recognized that stems from feeling disconnected from the Spirit. I've been in a season that I am calling "quiet." I haven't heard from God in the usual ways that he speaks to me. The temptation here is to doubt His goodness, His sovereignty, His love for me, His ability to answer prayers, His desire to answer prayers. The best way to describe my frustration with the Lord is that I feel as if, instead of using me to do a work in others, he is doing a work in others at my expense. There are a few students here who I (and many, many others) have been praying for fervently and nothing has gotten better. In fact, it seems as if they have back-tracked. With every step forward, there is two steps backward. This doesn't seem to me the work of the Lord, right? Shouldn't it be two steps forward, one step back? Conversation after conversation, showing concern and love and being met with bullying and hostility.

I had a meeting with our director, Nate Boyd, a few weeks ago just to share my frustrations

Visit from former student Joseph (Jobo)

and discouragements. I mentioned ranch related things, but I didn't mention my frustration with the Lord. Nate listened to me fully and gave me some good insight and validated my challenges. He also affirmed the cost of internship. Of how much they ask of interns. Then he read 2 Corinthians 4:7-12. Nate said, "Jesus came to earth to pay the redemption price and it cost him. Interns are invited to do the same thing. You are redeeming these students and it is costing you. And you do it knowing that not all of them will receive the hope you are offering them. Much like Jesus knew not everyone would receive him, yet he still paid the price." I started weeping as he spoke that over me. Because the Lord IS doing a work in others at my expense. Much like the Father did the work of salvation at the expense of Jesus. And it is a privilege and joy. This is not because he needs me or because I have any power to do the work, it is entirely the generosity of God the Father to allow me the honor to be involved in kingdom work. The idea is controversial and provocative. An omnipotent being giving me, or any of us, authority, ownership, responsibility in the fight for redemption of the world. "For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God." That is furthering the kingdom.

The rest of 2 Corinthians 4 goes on to mention how the outer self is wasting away but the inner self is being renewed day by day. How do I receive that truth when I feel weary all the time? I think, maybe, a good solution is to ask for an increase of faith. When we bear the shield of faith courageously, the enemy cannot penetrate our hearts and minds and we are able to protect ourselves from the doubt. Faith to believe that God is doing work in the students even though I cannot see it. Faith to believe that God has not asked me to an impossible task and then left me alone to do it. Faith to not be afraid to engage in spiritual battles because I know that the battle has already been won.

Angel, Kendall, and I sitting on top of a car to get a better view of the sunset.

Last Thursday, I took an extra break after several nights of being up for hours participating in some crazy spiritual warfare. I bore my soul out to my fellow intern, Angel, telling him how I want to give up praying these intense prayers. How it feels like nothing I am doing matters. Why is God giving me these convictions to pray with urgency and then not joining me, not coming to my rescue, not coming to the rescue of the students? I'm not going to stop, but I want to. If nothing else, I just want sleep. I went to my dorm that night begging the Lord for a quiet, peaceful, early night, where I would sleep all the way through the night. At 9:40pm, a student from the other room busted in my room sobbing uncontrollably. I took a deep breath and bore down in my soul, ready for another long night. The two interns in that room, Mariam and Jackie, and I took her back into her room to talk to her. They had been praying over her when she started crying and I knew something was different. This was not crisis. This was not a fight. This was not hurt. This was freedom. For the first time in her life. She expressed a weight being lifted off of her and her experiencing light. Mariam and I sat with her and answered her questions and Jackie sat on the ground praying silently alongside us. The student ended the night praying to receive Jesus. When I got in bed at midnight, I thanked the Lord for the immense privilege it was to be kept up late yet again.

Internship is hard. Discipleship to Jesus is hard. But brothers and sisters, do not lose heart. Do not stop praying.

Thank you for your prayers and financial support. As I have been approaching the end of my six month commitment, I have discerned the Lord asking me to stay for another six months to complete a full year here at the ranch. I read a past journal entry from Januray 30th, two weeks into my internship. I wrote that I had heard from the Lord that I was supposed to stay here until he moved me on to something different. I will be obedient to that calling until he changes it. I do miss home and long for my nephew and niece and church family. But I know what God has for me is better than what I have for myself. I love you all.

Intern retreat in Tahoe. Label dropping August 2024.(David {former intern}, Mariam, Madi, Me, Kendall, Finn {former intern}, Angel)

2 Corinthians 4:15-18 

For it is all for [the students] sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. So [the interns] do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Answered prayers:

• student's salvation

• access to transportation

• unity among the team

• male interns!!! Praise God for Josh and Jacob!

Things to continue to pray for:

• the armor of God and perseverance of the saints

• a car

  
  

• interns (both male and female) we're dwindling down to a 4 person team

• the two new female students we're getting this month