Counting the Cost

Intern night out at Target

As I finish my 45th day here at the ranch, I find myself at my desk asking the Lord what to share with you all. The days here are long but the weeks are short and so much has happened in the shortest month of the year. Several weeks ago, we had a worship night led by the staff. During the songs as I was praying and journaling, I felt this undefined weight of grief. I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Afterwards, Zack Malech (the outreach pastor here) approached me and asked if I was grieving something. He continued to tell me that the Lord had prompted him to come speak to me and that He wanted me to know that He was with me in my grief and that I needed to count the cost of discipleship. "The cost of discipleship" fell on my heart hard. That's what I was grieving.

The goose who had lunch with Kendall and I at the park

The girls had our igloo trip and I can't say I would ever have a strong desire to do that again, but I can say: I built and slept in my own igloo! We had 14 feet of snow, beautiful sun shining days, and nights in the single digits. This was a challenge on its own, but adding an even more challenging student who refused to take care of herself the entire trip brought a whole feeling of inadequacy for me. "God, why did you bring me here?" was the question of the trip. In the midst of the interns attention being primarily on this one student, the other three with us showed incredible patience and compassion. Their determination, hard work, and leadership skills were so encouraging to witness. I felt a lot of conviction seeing these young women (16, 17, and 18) show more love and compassion than I was willing to give the challenging student. We all came home from the trip discouraged and exhausted. The next day I was off and I spent time repenting before the Lord, asking for a softer heart, asking for a supernatural amount of compassion. How do I give grace to someone who doesn't deserve it? Why does God give grace to me when I don't deserve it? I could never muster up the strength and willpower to give this student grace. It's the gardener who tends and prunes me that produces kindness and gentleness and love and patience. It is God's grace through me.

One of our female students got baptized two Sundays ago in the lodge pond. Another student encouraged her, "It shows your dedication to Jesus by getting into that pond." Hearing her story and getting to be her roommate has been such a blessing. She has experienced a lot of hardship and has resisted the Lord for a long time. She accepted Christ in November and I have diligently seen her seek him. I often catch her reading her bible with a headlamp after everyone else has gone to sleep. She was explaining to me yesterday that she had been talking to God about her boy problems (four pages front and back worth of journaling). It's such a sweet encouragement that she is coming to Jesus as her friend, I pray that relationship never fades.

Cassie, Kendall, me, and Angel taking the trolley in San Francisco

As I have been wrestling this month with what God is asking me to give up for this internship, he, in his kindness and gentleness, showed me that it is not for this internship that he is asking me to sacrifice, but my whole life. I had been telling myself: "I can do this for three months" and God had been telling me: "I have called you for life." I was talking to my good friend Katelyn about feeling what the rich man felt when Jesus told him to sell everything and follow him. She gave me some beautiful words of encouragement, Luke 18:29-30. "Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left a house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life." How much do I love Jesus? I mean truly love Jesus. Do I love him more than my nephew? Do I love him more than job security? Do I love him more than my own private space? Do I love him more than myself?

After weeks of prayer and seeking wise counsel, I have decided to stay at the Ranch until July 15th, although I wouldn't be surprised if he asked more of me. In his infinite wisdom and mercy and generosity, he chose me for this task, internship, to make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit, to love God and love others. Please pray for me as the Lord continues to do a work in my heart. I think about you all often and I am so grateful that the Lord has shown himself to me through you. My final request is that you prayerfully consider continuing to support me financially. I don't know how to accurately describe the work the Lord is doing here but it is great. A student confronted another student recently and called him out on his terrible behavior and said "I was just like you and the Lord gave me a new heart. That's what you should ask him for." That is what brings me the most joy. These students are choosing Jesus and encouraging others to choose him too.

May the Lord bless you and keep you, may his face shine upon you and be gracious to you, may he turn his face towards you and give you peace.

Ecclesiates 12:13

"The end of the matter; all has been heard. For this is the whole duty of man, fear God and keep his commandments."

The trash-man made out of trash at the dump

Answered prayers:

• night-mares have virtually gone away

• student's baptism

• access to transportation

• peace and calmness

Things to continue to pray for:

• the armor of God and perseverance of the saints (the spiritual warfare is crazy here)

• a car

• that the Lord would call two new male interns to come to the ranch

• someone would donate lamb for Seder