Jehova Shammah

“When it seems as if God is far away, remind yourself that he is near. Nearness is not a matter of geography. God is everywhere. Nearness is likeness. The more we become like the Lord, the nearer he is to us.” - Warren Wiersbe

day 15 at the start line for our 10k

This post is a little bit different. The students and interns went on our wilderness trip last month and we are all required to write a reflection paper afterwards. This is snippets of my paper. All of the papers were really powerful. I'm so proud of each student and intern that completed the 15 day trip.

Fear. "Fear is a self imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be (Rick Warren)." I am a risk taker. I thrive off of the discouragement of people. Tell me I shouldn’t do something and I will be even more motivated to do it. It’s written all over my story. Once, I left my parents house in Idaho at 2am to move to San Diego. Another time, I quit my job and lived in my car for three-months to travel around the country. I go on long distance backpacking trips by myself. I have cliff jumped, rappelled, rock-climbed, surfed, and raced cars in the middle of the night. In all of these things, I have had people, rightly, discourage me from doing them. But I did it with no fear. So why was I scared this time?

At Downey, there is prime cliff jumping. Rocks from different heights to fit each person’s comfort level. Water that is crystal clear with a hint of blue reflecting the sky’s beauty and deep enough to ease any worries of hitting rocks. I was feeling uncharacteristically nervous, so instead of the highest jump, I went to the second highest jump. It was only about 8-10 feet to the water. I edged closer until my toes were hanging off. My fingers and toes started to tingle as the slow flow of adrenaline started. But there was something more. Fear. Not the uneasiness that comes when doing something a bit risky. But something much darker and bigger bubbling up from the depths of my heart. I knew that if I let that adrenaline flow freely, I would unlock that fear and I was unwilling to face it. So I didn’t jump. Not off the cliffs and not off the dams. I didn’t rock scramble with the boys. I didn’t eat that cricket with Angel. I stayed safe. I didn’t leave my comfort zone. I hid behind false confidence. I don’t have to jump because I’ve done it before. I don’t need to prove anything to the students or interns or even Suzanne and David. I’ve experienced risky things in my “younger” days. I don’t need to experience them again. Then climb day came. Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my right hand.”

Trail to Glacier Lake. The Black Buttes are behind us.

I was told that the students and interns would be belaying me. Not the leaders and staff and experts. If I didn’t have a knot in my stomach before, that knowledge surely put it there. JJ was first to rappel and I was second. I belayed him down with ease, not the slightest bit of worry for him, but I was next. David tied me in and I felt that fear start to creep up again. I told him over and over, “I don’t want to do this,” “I can’t,” “tell me I don’t have to.” Every step backwards was another beg to David. I started to cry. I have never cried rappelling before. This was confusing to me because I wasn’t afraid to rappel. I had done this so many times. I know how it works, I know what to expect. I trusted the equipment, I trusted David, I trusted Elise at the bottom. I even trusted Adam and Josh who were my backup belayers. But I was crying and so fearful. What was I afraid of? I was afraid of finding out what my deep fear and anger is and how it was going to be expressed. Matthew 14:26b-27 “...they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying, ‘Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.’”

My assigned climb's name was Chisel. KJ was coaching me from the ground and Jensen from above. I approached the rocks confidently, but my belayers had the rope too slack for my comfort and it put me on edge. I would climb a few feet and start to panic because the rope wasn’t getting pulled up fast enough. I was almost to the top of the chimney and my muscles started to fatigue and my feet started to slip. I didn’t trust my belayers to pull the rope up fast enough and I began to lose control of my emotions, then I fell. Looking back now, I’m sure it was just the stretch of the rope, but in that moment, I felt as if my belayers had failed me. I didn’t fall far, but enough for me to want to be done. KJ encouraged me to stay on the wall and immediately try again. I pushed back and said I needed to come down. I had lost faith in my belayers and faith in my own capabilities. But I attempted again, although the distrust was there. I heard Suzanne say one time, “We would not need courage if we were never afraid.”

I made it up to the first ledge with a lot of yelling and barely trusting my non-climbing shoes. Thinking the hard part was over, I caught my breath and looked for a way up. I realized pretty quickly that the “hard part” was actually the easy part. Later in the climb, Jensen was coaching me to put my foot on a completely smooth rock face and use it as a one second hold to push off of. I’m not sure how many times he gently and patiently repeated himself. I could picture it in my mind, what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t get my body to do it. And that’s when I realized where the fear and anger was coming from. Isaiah 26:3-4 “You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”

I don’t trust God. He tells me where to put my foot and I don’t trust the placement. I don’t trust where he is taking me and I don’t trust the people he has put in my life to help me. Where does this distrust come from? Hasn’t God only ever always been faithful to me? “Why do you doubt me and resist my love?” God asked me during solo. “I don’t know how to receive it, Lord.” He invited me to talk about what I was angry about. “I’m angry that I’m still single. I’m angry that I can’t love others well. I’m angry that I spent so much of my life sinning and inflicting pain on myself and others. I’m angry that every man I’ve ever loved has rejected me. I’m tired of being left. I feel disposable. I’ve never felt wanted before. Except by you, but you’re obligated to want me.” “So you are angry that humans are not me?” “No, I’m angry that you aren’t here. I want you to hold me and love me and touch me and eat with me and read books to me and play music with me. I want you to braid my hair and watch movies and go on road trips. I want you to talk theology with me over coffee. I want you to lay in bed with me at night to keep the nightmares away. Why can’t you be here?” “Wynter, I have sent you my helper and that is better for you. Although it seems like it is not. My disciples felt the way you feel. I felt that way with my father for thirty-three years. But Wynter, I am with you in those things. What you are longing for is my intimacy and you already have it. You are longing for heaven and you will have it. So I am not going to send you an angel or Christophany, although that is what you want. I have given you so many pieces of myself. In your own personality, in the Holy Spirit, and in others around you. I am with you always.” 

I was talking to Angel about my heart’s desires and how they must be wrong if God hasn’t given them to me yet. He challenged me that those aren’t the true desires of my heart. He said, “The desire of your heart is to please the Lord. That is why I know you’ll choose the right thing.” I was a risk taker before I knew Jesus because I wasn’t afraid to die, in fact, I welcomed it. I am still a risk taker because more than I am not afriad to die, I am afraid that others will die without Jesus. I want to look like Jesus more than I want to look like anything else. And still, I don’t feel it in my heart that Jesus wants good things for me, not with all the grief that I have experienced in my life. But I know the truth. The truth is that he only wants good for me. That God’s desires for me are far beyond what my desires for myself could ever be. How can I receive the fullness of God’s love if my fists are tightly shut? If sin is the unwillingness to trust that what God wants for me is utmost happiness, then I repent. Lord forgive my anxious heart. I believe, help my unbelief. 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

Psalm 121 (my memory verse from wilderness)

I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not sleep;

indeed, He who watches over Israel will niether slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the Sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, He will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Answered prayers:

• students growth!

  
  

Things to continue to pray for:

• the armor of God and strength for the interns (spiritual warfare is real and exhausting)

• interns (we're losing 1 intern in November and 3 in December) If you know anyone who would be a good fit, let me know!

• new students and their acclimation process

• clarity for if I should stay for a second year

• a car